October is pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month! So I thought I would share my story. A miscarriage occurs in 25% of women. Thats 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in their life time. And thats a scary statistic, but whats even scarier is that these women are not statistics and go thorough the hardest thing we will ever have to process.
In May of 2014 I found out I was expecting a wonderful little bundle of joy! After months of trying to conceive it felt like god had finally answered our prayers. I was so excited, I ran out and purchased some baby items. Not a lot, but a couple of gender neutral outfits, some baby wipes, and a couple of bottles. I told every one I knew and didn’t know I was going to have a baby. I changed my whole life instantly, I started eating better, getting more rest, and trying to stay extremely calm. From the moment I saw that little pink plus sign on the test I loved my baby. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, I hadn’t heard the heart beat on the ultrasound yet, but that was my baby and no one or anything was going to take that away from me! Or so I thought.
About two weeks later, I decided I would go for a walk with my husband to the Mexican restaurant which was about 4 blocks away. And I remember stepping down off my front steps onto the side walk, I felt something strange in my abdomen, And thinking to myself that it couldn’t possibly be me felling the baby move yet. I was only 8 weeks along! But I didn’t think much about it. Plus I was hungry, HELLO! I was pregnant, and pregnant women eat EVERYTHING!
When we came home from dinner, I went into the bathroom and when I wiped I saw the most horrific terrifying uneasy sight I have ever seen. It was FULL of blood. I freaked out, and just kept wiping and wiping hoping I could get the blood to stop! when I couldn’t, I called my doctor. They told me to lay down put a pad in and see if I soak through it in an hour. I did. By this time, I was out of my mind! I was in pain, and I was so confused. They told me I could go to the ER but if in fact I was having a miscarriage there would be nothing they could do about it. So I decided to wait until Monday morning to get checked out. When I went in for the ultrasound I saw my baby. In the uterus and a beating heart. While the heart rate was a little low, my baby was still alive. They made a follow up appointment for the next Monday. When I went in, I did not expect that, This was going to be the worst moment of my life. I was excited to see my little one, Maybe actually HEAR the heart beat this time! When I got up on the table the tech started moving around the wond. I thought she was just still looking for the baby. All of the sudden I hear her say She dosen’t see the baby, Or the heart beat. I lose it right there on the table. I was incoherent. Rightfully so, I had just heard the words a women fears the most.
When I finally pull myself together enough to leave, I do just that. I didn’t want to be there anymore, no where near there. So I left as fast as possible. I kept my head down mostly on the way out. But I scowled at every pregnant women that walked past me, Which seemed like their were 50 of them all laughing and rubbing there baby bumps up and down the hallways. It wasn’t their fault, They didn’t even know me. But I couldn’t help but get very angry and jealous of them. And that didn’t stop at the doors of the hospital. They were everywhere! I felt like I was in the center of 4 million pregnant women, and I was standing alone.
I felt completely alone. Most women do, because society has made this standard not to talk about miscarriage and infant loss. If we as a community stood together and supported women who have dealt with this maybe they wouldn’t feel so alone. Statistically, you arn’t alone- YOU ARE 1 IN 4 women dealing with the worst grief there is. Grief of a child. Born or unborn. Angel Babies They Are.
RIP LITTLE ONES